The modern dating world - Episode Three - How to get over someone you have not dated?

In my ongoing struggle with the modern dating world, I think one of the most frustrating issues, is how to get over someone you never dated. With the rise of talking stages and situationships, the lines are becoming more and more blurred with feelings and the rules of dating.

I am not by no means experienced with dating. I have had two boyfriends and a half situationship, half talking stage with a sprinkle of friendship. Either way it confused the hell out of me.

When I first saw him, I wanted to throw up and I thought he was intimidating. We stood there not talking, being drench in rain and he briefly laughed at a terrible joke I made about coffee. Turns out the nausea was my body physically wanting him but not recognising that feeling. We love the repercussions of being raised catholic.

He is one of the most even tempered, quietly funny and incredibly intelligent men I have ever met. I felt as if he really saw me, saw past the weird sense of humour, random fact dropping and nerdy book talk. He made me feel interesting. Which of course I am. My last boyfriend used to tell me to shut up when I would talk about my interests. The bar was most definitely on the floor.

He made me actually want a relationship. We spoke practically every day for six months. I would fall asleep texting him; I would wake up and text him. We would travel to work and talk for the entire hour commute. I would show him my books. He would take the book out of my hands and read the blurb and first page. He would ask me questions. He seemed genuinely interested in me. I was once sat in a bar with my friends. He walks in dressed in a silly costume. I text him to friendly bully him. I watch him look around for me. He comes over and sits right next to me. I am a little drunk and all I can feel is how warm his legs are.

I am incredibly awkward. In one month managed to call him a virgin, a whore and ugly. My flirting is masterful. I cannot read other people very well. There was one particular time when I was waiting outside a seminar (semi to get my friend, semi to see him) I was a little annoyed with him so as much as I wanted to see him, I was upset. So, when he stopped to talk to me, I turned away and ignored him. I hurt my own feelings, and I regretted my actions but by the time I turned around he had gone. We later spoke about it at work, and he found it funny. I would go home and recant these tales to my housemate. She in turn would give me her advice. On the rare occasion my friends would see us together, they thought he liked me.

Around Christmas things changed. I still do not know why. It was weird and confusing. One minute he would leave me on delivered, the next he was flirting and actively engaged in our conversations. Then May came, we would talk every week, but it felt different, like talking to a neighbour. In June, I lost my career and had to rethink my entire life. He knew none of this. In June we didn’t talk for two weeks. In June, he moved away. In June I felt my first real heartbreak. In July we were back to talking. We both went on holiday around the same time. He kept in touch during his holiday, letting me know how he was doing, what about his holiday he enjoyed. I got incredibly drunk and sent him a very fun drunk voice note about sheep. He joined in on the joke. Then he dipped again. I then finally got up the courage to ask him if we were friends. He left me on delivered for five weeks. All the time watching my stories just as I previously described. I asked my friends, not knowing if this was normal. They said He is strange and incredibly confusing.

I decided to give our friendship one last hail-mary. Despite how much I care about him, our friendship meant more. It was his birthday. I messaged him, we started talking again, a little, sometimes twice a day! Joy of joys. Tonight, he opened my message and did not respond. Although I know my message did not fully need a response, it still felt like a knife to my chest.

The most infuriating thing is, for the most part, I do not care. I find myself rolling my eyes at his messages, indifference creeping in like a winter cold. But, whenever his name pops up on my phone, that familiar ding of notification, my breath catches and my heart thumps, a smile creeps up on my face. I am a smart, intelligent person but when it comes to him, I am a fool. I cannot help but think I wish there were actual rules, real rules that everyone had to follow. Then all the confusion would be gone.  No more stupid second guessing or late nights wondering. Just clear straight forward conversations. But that isn’t love. Love is messy, love is confusing, awkward and horrible.

The sad, ugly, depressing truth is… I would endure it all for another one of his smiles.

How do you get over someone you never dated? Blocking seems too drastic. As does removing of social media. Is it just time? Going out and dating someone else feels false. Everyone else feels dull in comparison. I keep seeing him in everyone I match with. I wish I could press a button and turn off my feelings for him. I started writing this article in the New Year. It is now June. I am feeling more detached from my emotions. There is a man who speaks to me daily and seems interested. He is clear and open about what he wants. It making me feel worse. He just isn’t the man I want to be messaging me. I think there must be fundamentally wrong with me. I feel so stupid – when will this pain end? When will I stop crashing out over Taylor Swift and really specific indie music?

Deleting his messages has helped.

I stopped writing this article as I was feeling foolish. The more I wrote about it the more I realised it wasn’t real. I was over him but not the idea of him. I was grasping at the ghost of him because it was easier than admitting that he is just confusing and was never going to admit what we were.