Oops I did it again…

Welcome back to my ted talk. It’s three am and Taylor Swift (say don’t go) is softly playing in the background as I wonder how I have ended up here again. I really thought it would be different this time. Silly foolish girl.

It is time for the post mortem, how did it die this time?

The truth? I have no idea.

Seven months ago I made the incredibly interesting decision to start sleeping with my friend, who for privacy reasons we shall call him Luke. It was so simple, a few touches of the hands, a stolen kiss when we were alone. Sneaking out of his room in the morning so no one would know. It was never meant to mean anything. That was the agreement, friends with benefits, nothing more. Which suited me perfectly. What happens when you cross abandonment issues and commitment issues? A very very confused person. I couldn’t handle a relationship, I can barely handle tidying my room.

I had known Luke a few months and he seemed so stoic, nothing affected him, everything about him was work, work , work. In truth he used to piss me off so much. He seemed incapable of listening and his way was the only way. Then I got to know him. He is the kindest, gentlest, funniest man. He reads me like a book, every movement, face twitch, unspoken word. He knew and he understood without judgement. He was there at my worst, held me as I cried until it passed. When the nightmares would come, he was there. He made me feel safe. I tried to do the same for him, but getting him to open up was like getting blood from a stone. On the few occasions he did, I was so proud of him, as well as honoured that he trusted me enough. I would have done anything in my power to make him feel better.

My mind is haunted with our memories. Even though we were supposed to be just sex, I liked just hanging with him, watching tiktoks and laughing at stupid movies. Some of my fondest memories are of us just sat on the sofa and talking, the mundane felt fun with him. Vocal stimming stupid things and giggling over nonsense. He is so sweet, understanding and funny. He understands me in a way that freaks me out. Sometimes I feel like we have lived this life before and he remembers me. When we are together I feel calm and safe. He is like the warm sun on my face on a lazy Sunday morning. With each touch he heals something broken inside me. When we are in our own little world, just laughing and being our full unabridged selves, my problems fade and time means nothing.

One evening in bed, when we were just laughing at stupid videos, I realised this was more than just sex to me. I knew I couldn’t handle a relationship, not just yet. So I kept my feelings to myself. Until it felt like it was going to burst out of me. I was brave and told him.

Everyone who knew, thought it was going to be something more. I was naïve and allowed myself to believe it. Surely his warmth, understanding and kindness meant something. Surely I meant something to him. Finally someone wanted me for me.

He said he had some form of feelings for me but needed time to think. He didn’t know if he was ready for a relationship and work made it complicated.

Panic rose up in me, A relationship, is that what he would want? How could I explain to him, I liked him but I wasn’t ready for that? But to keep him, I would try. So I waited, I waited over a week. Anxiety eating away at me, I analysed every movement, every look, every kiss, looking for what his answer might be. Then suddenly a coldness took over, he stopped responding, he avoided the topic and no longer stole kisses or touches. I was left in limbo with no word, no small smile showing all would be okay. After three days of him being distant, laughing/joking with everyone but me, I knew his answer. I needed to be brave and face the funeral march. He told me how wonderful I was, that I am great and I deserve someone who wants me and can be there for me but he could not be that person. Then he dropped the big one, which crushed all hope. He cares for me so much but just as a friend and nothing more. I had fallen for a sweet lie with a bitter after taste. The illusion I tried so hard to keep hold of, vanished in a puff of smoke leaving me alone with a broken reality and the stinging of tears. I just don’t understand what happened, at one point it honestly didn’t feel like friendship. He would call me baby, let me be at his when he wasn’t home, downloaded my favourite game on his computer, I would cook him dinner for when he got home. He held my hand as we crossed a bridge as I was scared. I regret ever letting go of his hand. I feel his phantom touch, even now. It felt real. He would tell me how much he liked having me around. He made me feel worthy of the kindness, that I was special and deserved much more than had been given to me in the past.

Now every sweet thing he ever said to me feels like a lie, cutting deep. He is so deeply intertwined into my life, I see him in everything. And I mean nothing to him, he will forget about me. Find someone who completes him and even though I will also move on, I know he will stay with me forever. As a reminder of how I am supposed to be treated. The kindness, the respect, the care, the fun. All of it. He made me realise exactly what I wanted. And it will be my eternal loss that it wasn’t him.

Now I have the fun challenge of being his friend and swallowing these feelings. Act like it isn’t killing me inside that I can’t go to him and be like how we were. Doomed to be an outsider in his life, never quit being there, always at arm’s length for my own good. Knowing I will have to watch him move on, the idea of that makes me sick. However, he is my best friend and I refuse to lose that as well. I will lie and pretend all is well until it is well. I can never tell him how hurt I am, that he does not want me and that I wasn’t enough for him. I know it would hurt him to know this, I could never hurt him, ever. He is unfortunately my favourite person and I miss him, even though he is only a text away.