The modern dating world - How I am currently feeling.

I saw him the other night. It was a strange night. I saw him and the world slowed down. All I can think of is the quote from Anna Karenina “He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without trying.” That is exactly how I feel when I am in the same room as him. And it hurts. Like a sweet kind of hurt. A scab I keep picking at. We have a mutual friend. Who is a real gem, the sweetest little bean. He told me that it was obvious Finch was into me. At one point it would have made my heart soar to hear that. Now my heart hurts even more and my mind is more of a mess.

I can’t sleep and I keep watching period dramas to sleep. All the great loves that I have known for years. My favourite is Jane Eyre. Their love confession is pages long, full of tense moments, confusion, angry, jealousy, pain and finally understanding and happiness. I think it is my favourite love confession. Part of it is my screen saver. I can quotes parts by heart. I want some of it tattooed on me. On my rib cage. I too fear that our cord of communication has snapped and I have taken to bleeding internally. When will it stop being painful seeing him? Will I ever feel normal around him? I want so badly to be his friend. I just need him to want to be mine as well. I truly believe we were put in each other’s life for a reason. I just do not know that reason.

There was no need for any of this. I gave him so many outs. He never took them. Even when we first spoke about how we felt, I asked if he wanted space or to continue how we were and he said continue. It was his choice. I just wasn’t his choice. When I am around him I feel confident and in control, like I can be “the chill girl” then when his back is turned I crumble. Like a sack of flour hitting the flour from a great height. Shoot me. He can never know that. I don’t want to hurt him or lose our friendship.