Bi… Bisexual, Bipolar and wanting to be bilingual.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with Bi-polar type two. This feels very big and scary to admit to the world despite the massive amounts of jokes I make to my friends about it. It is also a relief, now I know what is wrong with me. The highs, the lows, the high-highs, the low-lows. The erratic behaviour – tattooing myself, the sleeping for days, the days where I feel like I am walking in a fog. I am quite good at recognising the signs and looking after myself. I just need a little help on those days where I cannot do it myself.

It’s made me think a lot about my relationships with other people. My friends, family and people I date/want to date.

I told my mum and she said it explained a lot. She did not mean it in a nice way. She says she mourns her happy little girl and often wonders where she went. I really wish I could be the girl/woman she wants me to be. Even without the Bi-polar, I am not the perfect conservative girl who went to medical school. I am a weird socialist who studied myths as a degree. I just don’t think my erratic behaviour has helped things. I have a bad habit of dipping from my parent’s life when I feel like they cannot cope with me. I want them to see the best of me, because then maybe they would be proud of me. My dad is the one of the only people to see me when I am bad but I have stopped letting him see. He isn’t very well and I do not want to add to his already full plate.

I live with my best friend of ten years Codi. She has to deal with a lot of my bullshit. She sees me at my best and worst. Understandably it has put a strain on our friendship. She feels like she has to parent me when I’m manic. This only frustrates me because I feel trapped and I need to feel free at all times. Then I feel like an asshole because she is just trying to be nice. I think I’m not used to people caring about me or trying to parent me. Codi always says that she doesn’t mind because I’m her best friend and friends are there for each other. I just feel like a burden and that she would be happier with a different housemate. A fun one that she can do girly stuff with, instead of an insane nerd whose activities are solitary.

I’ve been dreading dating again because of my ex’s treatment of me. Especially when I would be in one of my episodes. He used to get really angry when I would be awake late at night trying to tidy or do an activity. I remember we once got into a massive argument because he said my depression was making him worse. Which I understood, loving someone who is sad all time is tiring but I stood by him through his depression. Everything I did was wrong, my happy moods were annoying and too much, my depression was crippling him. He was the first man I properly dated and was supposed to love me. I don’t think I ever felt loved by him and his inability to see past my episodes made me feel like I would never be loved. I’ve met someone I really care about. He has his own reasons for not being in a relationship. I’ve told him I have commitment issues. I lied. Not fully, a small lie. It’s not that I don’t want to commit. Its more, what if I let another person in and they also think I’m too much. What if he realises I am not this sweet person he views me as. I am not the kind, gentle girl he sees, what happens when the visage falls?  Will he still like what he sees?  Will he just be another person to walk away? I’m too scared to find out. So I go along with the flirty friendship. I’m comfortable there, my feelings can’t get too hurt there. Its driving all my work friends insane, they think it’s his fault. They would tell me that I am wonderful and he isn’t worthy and that anyone would kill to date me. They are all biased and don’t realise how bad I can be. He is deserving of someone who is not as broken. And yet I still long for him. This isn’t to say that I think people with Bi-polar aren’t capable of loving relationships. I think my Bi-polar mixed in with autism, adhd and abandonment issues makes for a complicated psyche. The really mental idea is, what if it does work out and he sees the good, the bad and the mental. What if he stays, what do I do then? My flatmate says it’s the fear of the unknown “What do we do then?” she says and then tells me off for making a jumping joke.

I’m getting meds and therapy and I hope this is the start of me feeling better. A complicated feeling as I think there isn’t actually anything wrong with me. Not in the way that I need to be solved like a maths equation. I just want to function more.