The Modern dating world- Situationship update…

Situationship update…

This is a continuation of my situationship story. For clarity sake, we shall call him Finch.

Well fuck me I guess. What a weird few days.

Wednesday

It is my friend Ellen’s birthday. We have planned to spend the day together. Ellen’s boyfriend joins us for the morning section of the day. On our way to have some fancy croissants for breakfast we walk past Finch’s bar. He is outside opening the doors. I call out to him and jokingly call him a dickhead. Very demure, very mindful of me. The café is too warm and humid. Due to my stomach hating me and being unable to digest lactose, I wait outside whilst they indulge in the fanciest of pastries. My brain having a constant battle between having a cinnamon bun and having intestinal pain rages on. I decide not to low-key shit myself on Ellen’s birthday and be a grown up. We find some seats outside and have a pleasant breakfast, bitching about work and life’s little dramas.

 We end up walking back to Finch’s bar because of course we do. He is not the sunniest of people but today he seems worse. He says I’m the only one getting served as I am nice. Ellen outraged says that it was in fact me who called him a dickhead and not her. He turns to me, fake betrayal written over his face. We do one of our bits about whether I’m going to have water or alcohol. We go to sit at our table. Anxiety hits me like a ton of bricks. Fuck, what if I have upset him. After ten minutes and a quick vape break, I go speak to him. We chat about silly little things and I feel better. He tells me he is just tired and has stuff going on. I stroke his hand. Affection is usually lost on me, whenever I am near him, I feel a magnetic like hold pulling me to him and an uncontrollable force making me comfort him. I go back to my friends.

 We are only staying for one as we have a busy schedule. We meet another friend Annie who joins us for a pint. After Annie leaves we go to our favourite trinket place and buy earrings. Mine are ducks. They are the cutest earrings in the world and even better they are bright yellow. For someone who dresses mainly in all black and wears semi heavy makeup, my favourite colour is yellow. I’ve always had a fondness for ducks, Ever since I was little and one of the only family moments that doesn’t seem tainted was feeding the ducks. It felt fitting that he also loves ducks and has a collection of them. One day when I knew he had a bad week, I crocheted him a duck. I can still see his soft expression when I gave it to him. Anyway, Ellen and I found the rest of our friends who had finally turned up. We walked around the city doing a pub crawl. We had our manager’s dog with us who is adorable but a bit of a handful. We go back to our pub. I am feeling as restless as the dog. I struggle sitting still and have been around people all day. I go outside for a vape. My manager joins me and offers to walk the dog up the road with me.

We see Finch outside his bar. I wave to him, my manager walks over with his dog. The life of bartending is very incestuous, everyone knows each other. We all stand and talk for a while before my manager says he will see me in a minute and goes back to our pub. I stay and speak to him. I tell him all about how my manager is convinced I’m sleeping with someone. He says how he is glad he doesn’t work at my pub.

“Why in case people think we have slept together?”

“No because it seems like a lot of drama.” He laughs.

“Yeah god forbid we do sleep together.”

“Would be fun though.” I go to hug him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders as he is sat down. I whisper that he can do it again if he wants. He hugs me tighter. The moment feels too intimate in front of passers-by. I detached myself and change the subject. I bring up my drunk text to him. He said that he read it through and it made him chuckle. And because I simply cannot help myself I once again turn the conversation inappropriate. I jokingly tell him that I was half naked texting him. He asked if that happened a lot. I grinned and said oh yeah whenever I am half naked I think of him. He smiles back. I walk away backwards slowly and told him to keep that in mind the next time I drunk text him, then I blew him a kiss and walked away.

I returned to my friends feeling quite proud of myself. My manager then asks if I’m sleeping with Finch because of how close we seemed. I denied it. Not technically a lie. I thought that would be that for the night. However, Ellen and I go back to Finch’s bar until close. I cannot lie, I was a little embarrassed considering what I had just told him. He asks if I want water. (This is a weird on running joke.) I tell him that I would like a cider. I re-join Ellen and take a swig. Then I admit to her I did in fact want water. Sheepishly I go back up to the bar. He stares at me, I grin at him. I ask for water. He goes to get me my water but in the process says so you were just being a brat earlier when you said you didn’t want any water. I am too stunned to speak at the sexual inference of brat but all I hear is Ellen shouting she is always a brat. He raises an eyebrow at me, we have a mildly suggestive conversation which ends in me telling he enjoys it though and walking away. I go home feeling happy, I had gotten hugs and some form of suggestion that he did want to sleep with me again.

Thursday

I had a shitty fucking shift with a team leader who seems to hate me at the moment. Thankfully I finished at the same time as one of my favourite co-workers Che. After a wet pint in the drizzle at our pub we went to Finch’s bar. We are served by one of my favourite bartenders there. Apart from Finch. He has two co-workers who are genuinely two of the sweetest guys I have ever met and I really want to be their friends. I’m not great at making friends and I’m hoping I’m not coming across as a weirdo. They just seem really cool and fun. Finch comes up behind me and makes a joke that I am there more than my own work place. We only stay for one, but seeing him was nice.

Friday

Once more I am back in his bar. Every week I try to meet up with Ellen and do a craft night and it always happens in his bar. I see a guy I used to teach with which was trippy af. I went outside for a vape and started chatting to him. He goes in and Finch was sat behind him. I walk over and start chatting. He spoke to me about things I am not putting in here as they are private for him. I softly stroked his arm. I told him how I wanted him to join me at our dive bar more and not to be too scared of my friends. He was being grumpy and I said am I not a ray of sunshine in your life? He told me not to put words in his mouth. I fake gasped and said ah so I am a ray of light that lights up your days. He laughed.  I made a joke that Che thinks I fancy Finch but I’ve told him that Finch has better taste in women than me. This confused Finch thinking I was talking of my personality and he said I wouldn’t say that if I knew his exes and I said how I was being self-deprecating and that I wasn’t pretty. He corrected me and I told him to shush and I went back in. It started to get late and Ellen wanted to get home. I went to find him to say goodbye and he gave me a hug. He does not know how much those hugs mean to me.

Saturday

I was on another shitty shift wishing I had my old manager Olive back. I went outside to chat to Annie and Mal. They were being a bit shifty with me. It took them a few minutes but they came out with it. Mal thought she had seen Finch walking hand in hand with someone else. I kept my face still and unbothered and told them that he can do that as we aren’t together. My brain and heart started racing. Surely he would have told me, especially after the last few days. I didn’t want to over think so I messaged and asked. I did not sleep well and ended up calling my best friend Elijah who told me to expect the worse and pray for the best.

Sunday

I was out having coffee with Codi’s boyfriend Simon (Seemon). There I was sat in costa minding my own business. The text came in. I saw his name and the little duck emoji. My heart leapt as it always does and then I saw the first line of the text. From that great height, my heart plummeted and smashed. It felt as if someone had taken my chair from me and I was falling down the rabbit hole. He was in fact seeing someone. He tells me that he likes talking to me, I am funny and I cheer him up and that he has nothing against me. I have never felt so emotionally conflicted, I was angry and sad and nauseous. It has been a week and one day and I still haven’t been eating properly. We discuss it a little, he tells me it is all on him. I tell him it’s fine and that we will still be friends. I do not know what is so wrong with me, that I have a man lie to me and I am breaking my back to make him feel better. I have my reasons, things I cannot explain. It would cause more damage to tell him how hurt I am.

So I sit awake late at night running the past six months again and again in my head. Where did it go wrong, did he never like me? Did he just like her more? All these questions which I will never have answers to. I have learnt my lesson about asking questions I do not want the answers to. Seeing him hurts now. I still go in, I try and smile. I want to run to him and make sure he is okay. I want him to feel bad about how he made me feel. He feels bad for breathing so I know he must feel something. I want him to miss me and regret what happened. I want him to be happy. I wanted to be chosen, He of course has no idea about my abandonment issues and my complex that I am always second choice in my life. He told me he thinks I am cute, pretty, and funny, he likes talking to me and I cheer him up. He must find me somewhat attractive as he fucked me. So what in god’s name is wrong with me so much that he doesn’t want me? I find myself crashing out to Buckle by Florence and the machine as I toe the line between friendship and heartbreak.

“Cause I’m stupid and I’m damaged and you’re a disaster.”