The modern dating world - Another day, another situationship…

This is the story of how I met a very kind sweet man. A man I care about a lot.

The beginning

A hot summer’s day. Both doors to my pub are open. The air-con is on full blast. For once I have remembered to wear my glasses. The heat is making my customers weirder than usual. My phone is under the till, pinging every now and then. I am bored out of my mind. The pub goes quiet during the summer months. We do not have a good beer garden and that costs business. I don’t think it helps we have the worst pub in the city opposite us. No one wants to be sat enjoying their pint and have crackheads screaming next to them.

It had been a slow day when in walks a familiar face. I took a mental note that he works in the bar down the road. I couldn’t remember his name. If I mentioned him to Codie my housemate it was as the hot bartender. I remembered Ellen telling me about him a little but nothing sprung to mind.

I smiled politely and asked what I could do for him.

That is how it all started. Very simple, very normal.

He came in three times that day, getting food for his bar. He flirted with me each time. I was shocked. I’m not unattractive, I’m just weird and dorky. I recently lost a lot of weight and I am not used to people noticing me. He also happens to be a very hot goth bartender. I was so caught off guard, I don’t think I really spoke, I just smiled and blushed.

I then started going into his bar, to try and speak to him. I soon found out not only is he hot but sweet, funny and a massive fucking nerd. I cannot help but smile when I am around him.

The middle

Things were going well. We would see each other at work and at our local dive bar. My brain goes empty when I see him. I am  highly educated young woman. I am very smart and funny and when he smiles at me. Poof. Gone. His smile turns my brain to mush. We do silly bits. He throws straws at me and says “This is the last straw” I tell him he is no longer my favourite bar tender. He pretends to not understand my accent and says “What” 

I find it so funny how I never really noticed him before but we must have crossed paths nearly every day. He walks to the corner shop next to my pub nearly every shift. I go to the same dive bar as him. Now I see him everywhere. Little glimpses. From the corner of my eye I would see his leather jacket and headphones.

During the time when I first started talking to him, I was being stalked by a guy I used to “see”. This I think made him be a bit protective of me. He has also had to walk me out of the dive bar when another guy was being creepy.

I am sorry to say reader, despite the fact we have told each other we like each other and have slept together, we are not dating. He is very worried about hurting my feelings because he doesn’t know if he can do a relationship. I keep telling him, I am a grown woman despite our height difference.

I often catch myself thinking about him. About us. How all I want is to make sure he is okay. He is a stubborn man, a lovely, kind, stubborn man. Despite the fact our “relationship” has not progressed. I do not regret sleeping with him. I just wish I hadn’t been as awkward. I’ve done casual sex before but I didn’t have an emotional connection to the person. I’ve slept with someone I thought I loved. I’ve never slept with someone where it is casual but not casual at the same time. I also think the first time you sleep with anyone, it can be a bit weird. Dear reader, I want a do-over. I want to be laying in my bed with him again, his fingers tracing my legs, our silly conversations afterwards. I think that is the only thing I will regret about us. I am very proud of myself for telling him how I feel and not hiding it. I will never regret telling him how I feel, no matter the ending.

The end?

Truth be told. I am confused. He acts like he likes me, he tells me I’m cute, he gives me hugs and he flirts with me. He is sometimes very affectionate, then he is cold and distant. We aren’t together, for good reasons, some are mine, and some are his. Neither one of us can currently do a relationship. Maybe I want slightly more than this. All I mean by that is to see him outside of work and the bar like once a month. I would like him to tell me about things in his life, for us to talk more. I want him to know I am here for him, I care. Maybe I am being selfish. I should let him go? Let him grow without me and see if the universe brings him back. We had a pretty deep conversation the other day and he told me things I won’t ever repeat but I don’t want him to think I’m abandoning him. He sees him self in an odd light. He doesn’t see all the good things I can see. The way he draws people in with his kindess. I want to be there for him, be someone he can look to, and be a little ray of sunshine on those cloudy days. I just want him to want me to be there. I feel weirdly protective of him, which is so funny. He is a good foot taller than me. He is bigger and stronger, he doesn’t need my protection. Yet, there I am stood by his side, just in case.

There is so much more I want to say and write about him. It would feel wrong to disclose more. Even just a small smile from him feels very intimate, let alone our conversations. 

For whatever reason, if you ever find this. I am not sorry for writing about you, you are important to me. You are a good person and I care about you. I just want to understand you more. This is the fourth time I have tried writing this. I have looked over my many dairy extracts and my notes page. All full with things I wish I could say. There never seems to be the right time or place.