The modern dating world - Swiping turns to stalking - A cautionary tale.

I want to be honest and open about my dating life, the ups and the downs. This blog entry is going to be on a more serious topic. This is the story of how one late night swiping on tinder ended up with me getting stalked. For safety sake, we shall call him Edward.

When we matched, I wasn’t actually interested. I found him rude. Stupidly I continued the conversation as I thought it would make an interesting blog. “The male ego.” I made copious notes, detailing our conversations and my thoughts on the progression of our “relationship.”

Dear reader, I struggle with extreme boredom. I have been known to partake in risky behaviour to elevate boredom. Usually it is tattooing myself or walking late at night by myself. This time I started a physical relationship with Edward. It was during a time where I was emotionally cut off and did not want a romantic relationship. I made it very clear to Edward that I did not want to date him and did not even like his personality. Our conversations were mainly arguments. He stood for everything I cannot stand. He is rich, privileged with no sense of morals. Edward enjoyed arguing with me, he liked that I am well educated and strongly opinionated. The routine was the same, I would come over at 2 am, he would be high (he was always high), we would argue, go to “bed” and I would leave. A week in, I knew I had to end it. I just did not know how. I was aware of his past and that he had been arrested for assault more than once. His story was bar fighting. He was getting emotionally attached and kept saying how he wanted me in his life forever, no one knew understood him like I did, he wanted me to meet his father. He would get angry when I said I didn’t want him to meet my friends or come to my place of work. I made it clear I didn’t want a boyfriend and that this was just physical.

Every time I would try and cut it off, he would tell me a sad tale and get upset and I would go and comfort him. To this day, I do not know why I did it. I didn’t even like him. It was like seeing a wounded bird. He saw my empathy and used it. Trapping me in a seemingly endless cycle.

Then came the morning after. I had decided to leave, he was starting to cross boundaries and I knew if I let it continue I would be in danger. He woke up in a bad mood. My alarm went off waking me. He glared at me saying “This is where you sneak off without a word.” I told him I had plans and he knew I did. He then looked at his phones and said words that I hadn’t even heard of and the ones I did know, I would never repeat. I was sat on the edge of his bed, horrified and scared by his tone. Then he rings someone – his ex-girlfriend- and threatens her as she owes him money. My blood ran cold and my legs got shaky. I have never seen him so angry and aggressive towards a women. He then yelled at me to “get the fuck out.” I put my shoes on and I left. I rang my housemate and best friend, Codi. Codi said it was good that I left and stayed on the phone with me until I got home.

I thought this would be the end.

Spoiler alert, it wasn’t.

I made the mistake of messaging him. Just to clarify that I didn’t want to speak to him. This sounds silly, but he wasn’t on his meds that morning and doesn’t always remember things without them.  He kept apologising, saying this was the worst mistake of his life and that he never should have asked me to leave. I asked for space. He did not give me space. After two days of him messaging and trying to get me to forgive him, I said if he contacts me again, I am blocking him.

He then went to my work when I wasn’t there. To give me a book. My colleagues who didn’t realise who he was, took the book and gave it to me later when I went out for drinks. It had a weird romantic inscription. I then blocked him.

I thought this would be the end.

Spoiler alert, it wasn’t.

I was working at my bar when I saw him through the window. I hid, thinking he hadn’t seen me. I look up again and there is Edward. Staring at me. He had this weird triumphant look on his face. I panicked and turned away calling for my manager and friend. The only person in my life that Edward had met. She told me if I see him again, make a bird noise and she will come running. Later in the evening when I went to get food for my break, he came in. I saw him and froze, then ran into our glass wash section and hid. I kept peeking my head around to see if he was gone. He finally left after my manager kicked him out. I was so shaken I had to be taken to the office and told not to come down until I felt able to work. It took me an hour and a half to stop crying. I felt so silly, he hadn’t even done anything to me. My manager was amazing and fully supported me. She had told Edward he was barred and he said “Tell her she is a dirty bitch.” That was fun. Not.

I am very lucky that my managers took this seriously and set up a plan, where I was no longer allowed to walk home by myself and if Edward came into my pub, they would contact the police. I am very happy to say that I haven’t heard from him since. I’ve seen him on the street and panicked but he hasn't seen me. What scares me the most is how differently this could have ended. I am one of the lucky ones. We are all taught stranger danger, we all know the risks. I feel like online dating has increased these risks but also numbed us to the dangers. During this time I did meet someone in person and is the sweetest man I have ever met. More on him in another blog.

I wanted to end the blog with a caution to other women or something impactful. Honestly I just feel a little dirty and angry that he held so much power. I have never been that timid of a person when it has come to standing up for myself. I always thought if I was ever in danger I would walk away at the first red flag. It isn’t about strength or intelligence or anything like that. It’s the seemingly universal experience of facing a man who you know could hurt you and how do you leave without being hurt or worse killed. I tried pacifying him, appeasing him, letting him down gently. I didn’t want to be seen as a bitch or anger him. All because he ignored my boundaries and he thought I would change my mind about dating him.